Looking back across time, in the decades and centuries that have come before us, we realize that families have always strived to function as a unit according to core values, spoken and unspoken. There were rules and expectations for parents and children alike. There was a cohesiveness within social norms and family life that helped set those standards. Life, it seems, was slower, easier to understand and navigate. That was then.
And this is now: In our digital nano-second, twenty-first century world, families are confronted with myriad lifestyle choices, bombarded by mass media messaging, and exposed to the troubles of a global world. Combined with radically different demands at work, school, and in relationships, families are struggling to establish a sense of unity, to identify themselves and their place in the world. Defining and aligning core values as a family is one way to promote harmony and stability, which bolsters the family, individually and collectively.
What are Family Core Values and Why Define Them?
Values…you may hear this word used at work, in a spiritual or religious context, and in other types of organizations. Simply stated, a value confers the degree to which something is of importance to an individual, a group, or an organization and which actions help live out that belief. Defining core values as a family inspires action, guides decision making, strengthens communication, and builds trust for the family unit and its individual members. Core values set the stage for how to respect and be respected and can be a source for the grit necessary to persevere through challenges.
Children are keen observers of adult behavior, especially their parents. In some cultures, children will question if the “things you’ve been teaching them” align with the behavior and words used by the adults in their lives. If you profess “family time is my top priority,” but you always miss family plans for career obligations, then your value – family time- is not aligned with your actions. Children see that hypocrisy and respond accordingly. Usually, this creates discord–arguments and hard feelings–between family members. In other circumstances, you may very well align your values and actions, but a child rebels against those values. In other cultures, values may play a more dominant role and questioning and rebelling against them is not acceptable. They may do so at a later time, or not at all–carrying those values with them into the next generation. Even as there are cultural differences in family values, and different values held among families in the same culture, research indicates that families who align their actions and behaviors with their values are more resilient and experience greater harmony at home.
Benefits of Aligning Family Core Values
When you sit down together as a family to discuss your values, you are creating a road map that will guide and support the family for the present moment, and as you grow and change together. Consider these benefits of aligning family core values:
Providing family members with a way to view the world and situations they encounter.
Helping to establish emotional and behavioral expectations and accountability for each other. “This is what matters most to all of us. This is what we will fall back on when confronted with tough decisions, uncertainty, and so forth.”
Providing a family identity and helping each member shape their own identity in a positive, self-affirming way.
Strengthening family ties through guidance, affection, and support. By bolstering esteem within and between family members, family values serve as a source that family members can draw upon to make decisions and can protect children from decision making that could be hurtful, physically or psychologically.
Kids arguing? Parents not seeing eye-to-eye? Trouble with a personal decision that has implications for family life? Refer to your family values so that you can be proactive and responsive, instead of reactive and distressed when faced with difficult situations.
Examples of Family Core Values
Below is a short list of the types of core values that your family can consider and define for themselves. Before choosing, really think about the meanings of each word and then what the word means to your family members.
Resources for Creating Your Own Family Core Values
Explore these resources to learn more about family core values and how to begin the values conversation with your own family members. Our article at the end of this month’s newsletter provides a brief introduction on “how to create family core values.”
Fed up with Frenzy by Susan Sachs Lipman provides ideas of how to slow down and spend time together as a family during everyday activities, games, crafts, celebrating seasons, and much more. ISBN-10: 1402265255
The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties by Dr. William Doherty offers a guide to opening communication between family members through a wide variety of everyday family rituals. ISBN-10: 9780380732050
National Council of Family Relations: “Embracing Family Values.” https://www.ncfr.org/cfle-network/past-issues/spring-2013/embracing-family-values
“8 Family Values All Parents Should Incorporate, According to Child Development Experts.” posted at Fatherly.com: https://www.fatherly.com/love-money/family-values-all-parents-should-enforce/
“How to Define and Discover Your Family Values.” RaisingKidswithPurpose.com https://raisingkidswithpurpose.com/defining-family-values/